Hello

Its been a while since this page was used , we have reactivated it in the hope that those in the earlier days of grief can read how we felt and come to realise that things gently move forward.

Jade – A year ago…

Auntie Britts and Edison

I wanted to write today especially to anyone who may be struggling…

Today is blue Monday, reported to be the most depressing day of the year with the highest statistics for suicide.

Around this time last year this photo was taken of my sister, Brittany and my son, Edison. She was so happy that day, we had been in to town shopping and we had a really lovely girly day, it is one of my favorite memories of her. It breaks my heart that only a few months after this photo was taken she was gone.

Edison has grown up so much and she would be so proud of him. She is missing out on so much and would have loved to sit with him for hours and hours watching ‘Finding Nemo’ and the ‘Polar Express’ on repeat! It’s so unfair that this chance was taken away.

On blue Monday, or whatever day it is, if you are concerned about thoughts you are having please talk to someone as soon as you can. Give your friends and family a chance to help you, we didn’t have that chance to help Britt, although perhaps it wouldn’t have made any difference.

All I do know is that the only person I can see in this photo is my happy and fun Sister, Auntie to my Son who absolutely adored her. I couldn’t see what she was thinking or feeling and still can’t, nor will I ever know. If I could have known I would have done anything possible to make sure she was healthy and happy again.

We all miss Britt so much, I wish she would have just given us a chance to try and help her before it was too late, please ask someone for help if you need to.

I wish that everyone has a safe and healthy 2015.

Jade X

Mum- 4 months

Funny how emotions can change so quickly, a few days ago I started to write a blog about how I felt I had turned a corner , life was suddenly worth getting up for again , then bam, today has felt like a big step back again. I think maybe having my second only dream involving Brittany last night has bought the feelings back to the surface, it was a happy dream but it’s hard when you open your eyes and you realise that’s all it was , a dream !however i know that tommorow is another day and that things will be different, i guess that you learn to take things on a day to day basis when you are 4 months on , as indeed we are on this very date ….
So today I finally found the courage to go through all the cards and letters that were put in the memory basket at Britts memorial and as hard as it was it has bought some comfort. Every single letter or memory says the same , that she was a funny , caring , compassionate, with a huge heart and an amazing sense of humour , she wasn’t without faults , same as us all , but it seems her good qualities did indeed bring comfort to many people around her , I wish she could see and hear what has been said as she would , I think , be genuinely surprised at how loved she was , but she shouldn’t be she had a most wonderful personality always making people laugh and always there to make a crisis out of a drama (or the other way round )!!
If she was here now she would be fussing around me trying to make me feel better , telling me its going to be ok and putting on a happy song or making me watch Dream girls or dirty dancing, but she not and I have to do these things for myself right now , so maybe that’s what I will do ……..

This is a poem Brittany wrote many years ago, probably when she was about 10 years old
A family’s love is like a rose
It grows and grows and grows
A family is like a dove
Full of beauty and full of love
A family’s one full of sunshine
Shining brightly all the time
A family will always love you
No matter what you do
I have a family, so do you
And they will help you through
But some don’t have a family, can’t you see
They are not as lucky as you and me

A Message of hope from one of the RED LIPSTICK SUPPORTERS

Hi could I please remain anonymous.

Firstly I would like to say thank you for setting up this page, I find myself reading your families blogs on a regular basis. It’s helps with mine and my families situation. Reading other peoples thoughts it’s so relieving (is that even the right word?) I wish my family were like that no-one speaks a word in my family. So I’m speaking now for the first time, calmly and not screaming out in an argument!
Sadly my step brother passed away from a brain tumour 2yrs ago he was only 25, my beautiful, strong and caring mum took this badly. She was not herself and became mentally unstable. One day she drove away and tried to take her own life luckily police found her. Seeing her in that hospital broke me. We then found her help as a family. We thought it was working.. It wasn’t.. She tried again this time my sister found her. We were loosing her and I was scared, normally I’m the mouthy confident one in our family, my sister is the quiet and calm one, she looked after me that day. At first I was sad, the second time I became angry! How could she do this me?! How could she leave me I’m her child! How could she not know how much I need her or how much she is to me? As time went on and my mum spent time away from home in a safe place I took a step back I realised she was not my mum, those 6 months were not her. My mum wouldn’t hurt a fly but mum was no longer there. I couldn’t see her ever coming back to me. Not only were we grieving for our step brother/brother/son we now had to put that to one side and concentrate on yet another trauma. she did after what seemed like eternity slowly became the mum she was once. It goes to show that love, support and a strong family can help someone. I am so sorry for your loss. I always find myself thinking what if and shudder.Eventually we got out the other side! Just wish everyone could have that outcome.
I hope you expand this foundation it is a great help anyone suffering in silence

MUM – life seems to go on

3 months after losing Britt life is carrying in in some kind of way, is it ok? No its not, are we coping? not really, do we manage on a day to day level? Yes we do, we have no choice.
Grief brings emotions to the surface, feelings that have been either buried deep inside or maybe even thoughts that didn’t previously exist are now a part of day to day life. People you thought you could rely on, friends, family are grieving too and that makes them behave in a way that you find hard to deal with and that brings disappointment and sadness , but it’s not right to blame them , no one has the monopoly on grief and we have to try to understand the actions of others and accept that its painful for them too
I see Britt’s friends on facebook , all carrying on with their lives , rightly so of course , but it’s so hard to see happy smiling faces when all I want is to look at photos of Britt doing some crazy stunt , pouting or even getting dressed to go to Oceana!
I wonder if she would be sad at the sorrow she would see right now, or if her own pain inside was such that her actions were something she really needed to do? Did she think of me and know how much I loved her? Did she realise that her sibling’s lives would forever be tainted with sorrow? What were her last thoughts? Panic or relief?
Deep inside I feel a need to attribute blame, but realise it won’t help and I’m still trying hard not to feel anger or guilt, but of course I do feel both these emotions.
Sharing our thoughts and feeling on the Red Lipstick blog is cathartic in some ways for us , and I genuinely want our emotions to stay in people minds so that , perhaps if they reach crisis level one little part of our sorrow will remind them that suicide is not the only option , help is out there , not easy to find , especially when in a fragile state but I hope one day that our charity will be able to assist to those who have suffered loss and to those who feel the need to take their own life
When people say we are ‘brave or strong’ we aren’t, we are a normal family struck by terrible sadness but just trying to make the best of the life we have left , there is no other choice ……………

Mum – Family

I always thought that as a family we were unbreakable, we would maybe bicker between us but anyone who crossed us had better watch out! However emotions and feelings have taken hold, definitely for me and maybe for other family members. As a mum you want to be strong for your children and make them feel loved and secure I have tried to do that, but a combination of sleep deprivation, medication and total grief have made me into the sort of mother that says and does the wrong thing, forgets what I have been told and in essence haven’t concentrated on the family I have here, it’s so easy to focus on Brittany and losing her that I guess I make other people feel less loved and not as important in my life.
My parents who are being so wonderful and supportive, get very little concern or care from me, my partner who has had to deal with his father passing away and the loss of Britts, both within 3 weeks has lost the carefree spontaneous fun partner I used to be, my gorgeous Grandson, who has his own health issues, has clearly noticed that his Nana isn’t giving him the same attention as he used to get, and Jade , Taran and Amber have lost their mother and in her place is a sad , preoccupied woman who seems to just be on a different planet.
Im not writing this for sympathy or to make people feel awkward, this is how I feel and if this is what is happening in our strong family then it must occur for other families too , its just how I put it right that matters right now …………

Amber 18/08/2014

 

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to share the way I feel with even my family and friends and so I haven’t felt like writing for everybody else to see.

I have become increasingly withdrawn in the past few weeks and I think that its because I no longer want people to think of me as the girl whose twin sister killed herself. I don’t want the pity, I don’t want people to walk on the other side of the street because they don’t know what to say and I don’t want to have to know that people who are supposed to love you sometimes turn their back on you when things get too tough.

But it’s still the reality of the situation. I think of so many different scenarios that could have changed Brits ultimate decision that life wasn’t worth living anymore. Maybe if I hadn’t moved away she would be here, maybe if I had told her I loved her more often, maybe when she ignored my calls and messages I should have known something much deeper was wrong, if only I had known how she was feeling. This stage of grief is bargaining. As student nurses, we talk a great deal about death and grief and I was familiar with this stage of grief but never really understood it until now. A friend of Brittany and I were saying how we would give anything to have her back; our homes, all the money in our bank accounts, our careers… But then she suggested if we had Brittany back it would be for us, not for Brit, because she was obviously so unhappy here.

We’ve had so many messages from people saying how our blog has helped them in some way – because they have lost a loved one themselves, because they are depressed or they have had their own dark thoughts and in a way it’s so great that something good has come from all of our pain but I would do anything for us never to have started this blog.

I want people to take what they can from what has happened to us. No one will ever understand how it feels when you lose somebody you love from depression. We didn’t just lose Brit 3 months ago. We lost ourselves. There is still the longest road ahead of us and the lack of support available in our area has been so detrimental to us healing as a family. A day not too long ago I found myself really needing professional help and not being able to access any without a £80 an hour fee or a 4 week waiting list. I hope our charity can offer other people in the future the services that we have had to do without. Something has to change and it looks like we will be the people to make that change!

Jade – A photo of peace

Little Ed, a photo of peace

A photo of peace, this was a photo I took of my son just an hour before we found my sister. I remember taking this picture and thinking how perfect he was and how blessed we are to have him. We went through a fair amount of heartache and surgery when he was born as he has a rare disorder. That night I remember feeling so very proud and happy to see him so content. What I didn’t expect that night was the horrific situation we were about to be faced with. What I would give just to go back to that moment in time now, where everything felt so uncomplicated and serene. Unfortunately I am now learning that life will never be so uncomplicated again. Amber and I were saying yesterday how Britts would barely know the people we have had to become following the last few months.

The inquest took place yesterday which our family were all dreading. Thankfully no further information came to light and the media so far have been very kind to us. Both Amber and I have been in quite a good place today as we feel we may be able to take a big step forward and finally close the door on these initial steps through grief.

Amber is now back living at mums house, we all helped to decorate her new room last weekend and it looks beautiful. Its so great for her to have a place where she may be able to settle for a while. Yesterday I took my son upstairs to see her and for the first time he pointed to Brits room and asked to see her. Both Amber and I were stuck for words. Trying to explain to a two year old he is unable to see his precious auntie again is quite impossible. Thankfully with his innocence tears do not yet fall for grief…however for all of us around him our tears certainly did. Thomas the tank engine swiftly moved us on from that situation! I hope one day I can show him the videos I have of him and Britt playing together so he can see what a fabulous person she was and how much she loved him. I feel so upset for her not to be able to see the cute and clever little boy he is becoming, she’s missing out on so much.

Everyone keeps saying how strong, brave and positive we all are which is true, but only because we have no other option. At times we certainly haven’t been any of these things but thankfully we are all a very close loving family.

I worry for so many young people now, I never want a young person to read our blog and in some crazy way think that it is glamorous or dramatic. We certainly would much rather not have had to ever written it. I would like to send a message to any person that ever comes across this blog that once you are gone it is forever. Life and death are not part of a film or drama of which the credits roll and it’s all forgotten about when there is a happy ending. Our family have been through so much heartache and whilst we are learning to live with our grief, Brits death has ruined all of our lives and taken a huge part of all of us away. There are no second chances, death can’t be reversed and you can’t help anyone you love once you are gone, so please please please if you feel down tell someone about it and get help. A quote my mum recently found said ‘suicide doesn’t take the pain away, it just gives it to others’ I couldn’t agree more. If Brits had known this a few months ago I’m sure she would still be here today x

Mum – This is not my life

 

This is not how my life was going to be, this is not how my children’s life was going to be , this is not how my close friends and families life was going to be , BUT this is how it is ………

How could I have known that just over 3 months ago Brittany would decide that she didn’t want to be with  her loving family and friends and that the option of taking her own life was the  preferred route , I keep asking myself should I have done more , what did I miss ? Or was I so caught up in my own life and day to day living that I just did not want to see what was going on? When I look back at photos I think I can see the pain in her eyes over the past year, but I didn’t notice it before. Britt had a ‘painted smile’ both literally and metaphorically and we just didn’t see past that, I’m not sure anyone really did

Tomorrow we will have to attend an inquest where we have to face up to the details of how a outwardly happy 19 (one day short of 20) year old took her own life ,we will have to hear things no parent or sibling should ever have to hear , and no person should have ever done o themselves   , maybe this will be a ‘closure’ for us , I’m not sure that there will ever be closure , only Britts can really know what made her do what she did and leave behind so much devastation and heart break for us all

I truly believed that I had a fortunate life , healthy, close and loving children, a wonderful partner and a life full of fun , doing things others can only dream of , I’m trying to convince myself that one day life will be like that again , but in my heart I know it will never be the same. The stresses of loss take their toll on everyone around us and at some point people expect our sadness to abate and expect us to get on with life again, but it’s impossible to smile, laugh and have fun when your heart is full of pain, your eyes cry tears without your control and your brain won’t allow the positivity to move forward you so desire to penetrate. But I am trying very hard to allow all these things back into my life

I still can’t feel anger, just an overwhelming sadness at knowing the things Britt will never see or do and for the terrible pain my children feel every day of their lives, things will get better, I know that, but the fog is very thick for me right now and I just want the life I was leading back, THIS IS NOT MY LIFE

Mum

x

 

amber

If only people knew the mess they make when they decide to take their own life. Today I’m ANGRY. I have to do, see and hear things that I should never have had to and make decisions that no other person my age has to. I have to live with a pain that no one else feels or understands. Even with the amazing friends I have, I’m completely isolated. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and this whole big mess be gone.

Its hard not to feel like somebody in the universe is personally causing you this pain. Id never had a bad day in my life until the day I lost Brit. Maybe the universe is just giving me all the pain I should had over the years at once…or maybe I’m unable to deal with things that I used to take in my stride.

I’m hoping one day my experiences will turn me into a stronger person. Maybe they already are as after all this I am still going. Sorry for the negativity…I promise to only post again when things are looking brighter. I’m taking some steps to try and make things better. I think I have to give up trying to stay on the path I thought I was supposed to be on and think about what will truly make me happy.

AM.